Life Forever, Die in the Attempt

Our deepest fear is not that we
are inadequate. Our deepest
fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light,
not our darkness, that most
frightens us. We ask ourselves,
who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, and
fabulous? Actually, who are
you not to be? You are a child
of God. Your playing small
doesn't serve the world. There's
nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as
children do. We are born to
make manifest the glory of God
that is within us. It's not just in
some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light
shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do
the same. As we are liberated
from our own fear, our
presence automatically
liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

^ Thomas A. Edison


College searching sucks. I'm currently looking at Bradley, Aurora, Judson, Hope, and Elgin. Each time I send an application I have to spend nine dollars to send in my ACT scores, two dollars for the transcripts, and the 25-40 dollars for the application itself (if it's not online). It's so fricking frustrating! I STILL have no job and very little money, which is especially a pain with Christmas just a few weeks away. Growing up absolutely blows. There's no way I can afford all this being the way I currently am.

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell's confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a Squire from his country house

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which
other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself
know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick,
like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though
hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colours, for flowers,
for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness,
for neighbourliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends
at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying,
at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once?
A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still
like a beaten army, fleeing in disorder
from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me,
these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God,
I am Thine!

~ "Who Am I?" Dietrich Bonhoeffer

...

Sometimes I cannot forgive
and these days mercy cuts so deep,
If the world was how it should be,
maybe I could get some sleep.
While I lay, I'd dream we're better,
scales were gone and faces lighter,
When we wake we hate our brother,
we still move to hurt each other,

Sometimes I can close my eyes and all the fear that keeps me silent,
falls below my heavy breathing, what makes me so badly bend?
We all have a chance to murder, we all feel the need for wonder.
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the plunder.

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up, all the times I had to give up,
Babies underneath their beds, hospitals that cannot treat them.
All the wounds that money causes, all the comforts of cathedrals,
All the cries of thirsty children, this is our inheritance,
All the rage of watching mothers, this is our greatest offense
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.


(Oh my God - Jars of Clay)

^Lois McMaster Bujold


Snowball! The event is coming up in less than a month, and I'm both extremely excited and amazingly nervous. I'm co-fac-ing with Mindy and Sarah in group one. I still can't believe they're letting me do that. We've got some great stuff planned and some even more awesome ideas. I really hope the participants love it.

Blood drive was last thurday, and I've got this awesomely cool bruise on my arm. It's a little crazy how proud of it I am. The majority of the bruise isn't even where I got sticked: it's where the needle was causing pressure under my skin. End bruise description.

I'd like to make a list of things to do before I die. My next step is to start a new journal and perhaps write about what I've learned about myself - personally I think snowball has taught me a lot. You know, it's my senior year in high school, and I'm just finally learning the important stuff about myself.

And speaking of senior year: I can't believe how fast this is all going! Mom and I are already discussing graduation parties! The orders for announcements are due tomorrow. It comepletly sucks how the world just keeps on turning without you.

^ Mark Twain


So. In the last few months I've developed more of an obsession for Beauty and the Beast than I have in a long time. I'm actually enjoying this because it actually gives me something to do other than surfing Facebook.

Currently I'm using my time to look for Beauty and the Beast episodes from 1987.
Excited because I found some on cbs.
Sad because I can't seem to get them to work. They are staying in the "buffering" load up.

I'll have to ask for some assistance with finding a good website...

^ Ralph Waldo Emerson


I seem to be getting really antsy lately. Like time is running out, there's not enough of it. Which, I guess, will always be true.

I want to get my hands on something, and dive into it, doing all the things I said I'd do but just never got around to.

Problem is that there's so many things, I just don't know where to start. And for some reason I think I'm suppose to be doing or focusing on something else. I don't want to start something and then find that that particular thing isn't quenching my thirst. There's got to be something I'm not seeing.

I'll just have to listen and figure it out.

^ Beverly Sills.

Please.
Do not cover my mouth when I am trying to speak what I believe.
I have a right to Believe.
Why should I censor myself for your sake, when you are the one who needs to hear it the most?
Or at least just tell me to hush up.
Thank You.

^ Erin is so cute.

I'm not typing much this time, I'VE BEEN INJURED.

Haha, I was at tech for the first time today and we had a set build. Everything was going good until the last five minutes it was there. I was helping Sarah hold a piece of wood so that she could drill a screw in it. As i was holding it i was thinking, "Man, I probably shouldn't hold the wood here, If Sarah misses that screw she might hit my hand" I explained it away that I could pull my hand back fast enough or that she had the screw in too far for her to miss it...

Well, she did.

I overreacted and was cussin' up a storm. Which I'm sure didn't make Sarah feel any better. When I brought my finger up I noticed blood dripping from it (not a lot but a good line of it). Ran off, and Sarah followed me and had me run it under water then gave me a paper towel to wrap it in. She was apologizing the whole time!

Sarah! It's not your fault at all, and don't feel bad! You were doing exactly what you were suppose to be doing, I was the one who wasn't paying attention, it's entirely my fault!

First two hours it hurt like hell, but I broke down and took some pain medicine for it. After about a few hours it feels a ton better.

I've got a battle story now, and have my first tech injury! It's a milestone.

^ William S. Burroughs

Ah, I really would like to not go to school. I've spoiled myself with the sleep >.<

And I have a feeling that I will not sleep as well tonight because I slept so great last night.  I actually remember my dream:

For some reason I was at odds with a character that I didn't like in this book I'm reading, and he ended up turning a lot of people against me by being all goody-two-shoes. I got so ticked about it that I threw him through a red stained glass window. He landed on a giant tree outside and hung like a Christmas ornament. He was very sparkley. I slept so well.

New classes tomorrow! Pleeease. Let someone I know and get along with well be in my English class.

Came back from the game and hour ago and I still can't get warm. Burrrrggg.

Wore my costume on Wednesday for Halloween but of course it wasn't finished. Basically none of the details were done other than the cut outs of the belts. The sleeves and collar were missing too, but no one seemed bothered by it. I got a lot of stares and a lot of compliments. My band teacher looks at me and says, "You're a.... Keebler Elf. Right?" No, but it was funny anyway.

The hat had to be my favorite part. I made it way too long, but it keeps my ears warm so I can wear it to school. My elf hat. <3

The pair of boots are done, but not very well. I got the pants ready what's left is the tunic (which I'm thinking of cutting.... soon) and the belts and hat. Possibly might be done by Wednesday?

Jeez, an entire year since I've written here.

Anyway yesterday the entire Junior class went to Medieval Times and it was pretty awesome. I was on the black and white team, which had the Hottest knight, but maybe I'm biased. When he "fell off his horse" *really, jumped off* he landed on the pole that separated the jousters and took out one of the columns. Holey, that must have hurt.

I really want to work there.

Halloween? Why yes I'm happy. I've been working on my costume for this year. I plan to be Link from Zelda. I don't think I'll be done in time. I mean, it only took me three days to make one of the boots, and now I only have the second boot to do.
And the tunic
and the hat
and the belts
Not too bad... right?

Next year I'm really going to go all out. I've got the wig, the chainmail, and the armor decided on. Maybe a whole year would make it turn out good.

Well. I guess that's it?

Holiday shopping scared me.

The man on the stairs
leans over the rail,
but I don't see
his face so pale.
He doesn't smile:
he doesn't frown.
He won't go up:
he won't come down.
He has no mouth:
he has no hair,
some people say
he is has9;t there.
But still he stands
and watches me
with blackened eyes
that I can't see.
As I sit gazing
down the hall,
his shadow flickers
on the wall.
Just one glimpse
and then he's gone,
but he'll be back
before too long.

goodgood today.

a new camera has found it's way to me. Not a single cent out of anyones pocket! and! i have a very good warrenty lasting until 2009.
i do miss my old camera tho. We had such fun together. and i actually knew how to work it, the bad thing on this one is that i can't put the quality on VGA something so that i could get more pictures without buying a 100 and something dollar memory card. Patrick might have one i can use.
Me and mom keep watching house, and she OBSESSED it's so great. Two episodes left and the first season is done, gotta borrow the next one from jess otherwise moms gonna go through withdrawls.
That about it for now

School. Fine. Foods? Fun. Sophmore at table in foods? Annoying. Did i stab him with my pencil? Yes. Mom says i should be nice. NO.


Shojo beat came in today and i found something i really really want.
BUYTHEMFORME
http://www.kamibashi.com/papers/stringdolls/index.html

First i will start off telling you what my outfit consisted of today: A white pair of jeans, brown tank top, and a white jacket.
I went to my friends suprise party today and we watched Scarey Movie 4 in this HUGELY AMAZING private cinema. After the movie was over 2 girls went home, what's left now are 2 girls (one of them me) and 5 guys (2 of them younger). Next, only other girl goes home leaving me with two immature guys and three friends. It was very... annoying haveing to talk to the younger kids. They kept on saying i looked like a goth :( which i found really weird.
Mommy finally came to pick me up and i got to leave.

ON TO OTHER NEWS

I'm having trouble finding a working manga scan of ouran koukou host club, it'll download but i can't veiw it.

p.s. did i say that lissy made my new lay out?? Grace helped pick out the color and what kind they're both so sweet!

wa! eric gave me a new ipod case! IT"S A GOOD WEEK

OMG.  I just got back from taking dancing lessons, and HOLEY CRAP that was so much fun!!!
Me and my mom signed up for 4 dancing lessons with my friends mom. But lil Adam won the raffle (5 free dancing lessons) and gave it to us!! I love that kid!!
Hopfullly now, and adding my soon experiences, i won't make a fool of myself at weddings and school dances. Oh, yeah. I'm in a good mood.


I was out at Jessica's house yesterday and she let me watch Pride and Prejudice which was THE cutest movie i've seen in a long time. And i've learned that i can control my upchuck reflex better than some people ^_~   After that i cought about half of "benny and joon" *screams as falls against jukbox*  OVerall it was a very good past two days.